JB vs. the world

21 10 2009

The past couple weeks have been a torturous time in work and in my personal life.  Now you might sit back and say “JB you have a beautiful daughter, a good job, a nice home…”, but dig deeper.  I’m currently at war… war with my thoughts, my feelings, myself.  To all my friends reading this.. don’t worry, I’m not depressed or trying to find a way to cut myself and get all emo.  Some days you sit back and you think and reflect on the life you’ve led, should I have done this at that time, should I have tried something new.. etc etc.  It’s a journey we all go through in life, trying to find yourself in a world and society diluted in so much fakeness.  It’s a hard task, but we all go through it at some point in our lives.

I’m trying to grasp and understand the concept of love and relationships.  Ofcourse this topic will differ when it comes to different people with different values, goals and ideals.  But let me start with what I, in my head, think what love should be, I see this:  A feeling that is mutual between two people… two people that want to share time, space and energy with each other.  Two people that beyond all means and measures will always be there for each other and will understand one another in ways that only your Mom, Dad or sibling can understand you.  Who will stand behind you regardless if they feel that the decision you are making is wrong, ofcourse making sure you understand both sides of the argument.  Two people who struggle through life together, in turn growing stronger together with a better understanding of life as a whole and life with their partner.  When it comes down to it, my definition of love is being with someone who pushes you to do great things and helps you become a better person than you already are.

JB has given up on dating.  I had a great summer, but shitty in terms of dating.  Sometimes you meet someone who leads you to believe in something, but basically leaves you hanging.  Is dating a hobby??? Because seriously, everyone makes it out to be.  I wanted to date to meet new people, possible partners and possible friends.  I can seriously say that with all the women I’ve dated this summer… I can’t really walk away saying that I’ve met a possible partner or a possible friend.  Making plans, and then breaking plans… it’s a cycle.  I’ve made these mistakes in my past and I’m trying my hardest to never be a player in the “flake” field.  This summer I met a certain someone, we both hit it off and was enjoying the time we talked to each other.  But when it came down to it… her flakiness began.  How can you initiate something, tell me words of  “I’m excited to see you” and then don’t follow through.  I understand a bit of why I used to do this.  It’s because I was scared.  I was scared of what would happen next and if I was ready to deal with it.  I was too scared to see what was in front of me the whole time.  I understand that there will be factors preventing a person from sharing how they feel or even opening or breaking down barriers you have up… tell me, help me understand.

I’ve called this entry “JB vs. the world”, because of the state of mind that I’m currently in.  I feel like I’m fighting a war not just to survive, but that path to dicovery of who I truly am.  I’m fighting for a life that will bring smiles, love, laughter, and happiness. 

I’m fighting to be me… 

A person once talked to me about integrity… I will follow your lead.. thank you

Pancit is the SHET mga kasamas, kaibigans, pamilya!!!! 

I need a glass of *&^& and a ^#$%^… kick back and take it easy… i’m not done yet… another blog post in a few hours…

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