Tonight, I share just a little bit more… maybe too much?

9 05 2012

Through out the past couple years I’ve been doing this blog I’ve always touched on the subject of love and relationships.  Ok, maybe just a few posts but the past few months I’ve been trying my hardest to keep myself from falling into these crush modes of stupidity where I believe I’m crushing on someone when in actually it’s more like “Dude, I hella dig that girl.”

Now, I’ve always been brutally honest on my blog sharing personal feelings and I’ve done really well in keeping everything about myself transparent to my readers.  Why? Not to tell my life story, but connect with those who read my blog regardless if we will ever meet in the real world.  Connection is part of human nature and we do this on a daily regardless if you know it’s happening or not.  So with that said, lend me your ears and let me sing you my song.

As humans it’s natural for us to be attracted to someone at any degree, this is why we have friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, lovers and crushes.  We’re attracted by a common interest which then filters through the above categories mentioned above.  I truly believe that these connections and attractions are obvious and get better with time when you constantly grow together, learn more about each other and support each other.  Again, this holds true with any kind of relationships.

Crushes have been something that has been hyper sexualized or completely exaggerated in movies, this I learned quickly in high school.  My early years in high school I can honestly say that I was never part of the popular crowd,  I was a chubby kid where girls would walk by me like I never existed.  In my head I always thought I’d run across that one girl where our eyes would meet, the crowds in the halls would part ways and this energy pulls us together.  Sounds like a surreal experience doesn’t it?

Brutal honesty, I never had a steady girlfriend in high school and was always the third wheel with my friends who always had girlfriends or always had girls around them.  This never really bugged me through out high school because the main goal in my mind was when I graduate from this god forsaken town, I was going to make my way to California.  I had many crushes in high school which I never acted on mainly due to the fact that I believe I wasn’t good looking enough to be able to woo that “beautiful” girl.  I was so blinded by exterior beauty that I forgot how intricate and how beautiful it is to learn how someone ticks, what they are passionate about, what they hate, what they love, what things during their day either ruined it or made it 10 times better than the last.  The social norm portrayed in Teen movies was making itself reality.

It wasn’t until I was 16 when I realized my love for music and wanting to pursue it in any way possible.  No one in my high school ever saw this side of me until my friends and I decided to do our high school talent show.  6 guys on stage, crooning their hearts out to Blackstreet’s “Before I let you go” nailing each and every harmony.  We ended the show with a couple thousand of my school mates on their feet cheering and screaming.  It was at that point where my high school life completely changed.  Popular kids started talking to me, the jocks weren’t so overbearing toward me anymore and the girls started to talk to me more.  Yes, I sang, and I was in a singing group, but I was still that chubby kid on the outside that no one really took the time to get to know the soul that was belting out those melodies.

High School came and went, I got all my self esteem from music and dated girls on the false pretense that because I could sing, I was the perfect guy.  I disregarded what really made me tick and what I truly wanted in a girlfriend/partner.  I was crushing left and right mistaking it for love and in the end I was either the person that inflicted the hurt or the hurt was inflicted on me.  I was going into relationships without truly being sure it’s what I wanted or if the person wasthe right one.  Attractions became highly sexual and my heart was broken many times.

Fast Forward….

Going back to my initial thought at the beginning of this blog post, the past few months have been months of growth with lots of time to think since being canned from my job on April 1st 2012.  I re-recognized my passions and my dreams and remembered what it was that made me tick…

Family, Friends, Love, Community

I became that chubby high school kid again where I knew who I was at that point in time, I knew what my passions were and I knew what made me wake up every morning.  But now, my self esteem in a much better state, I can honestly say I have finally become the man I’ve always wanted to be and continue to strive to be an even better man then I was today, yesterday, last week, last month last year.

So to crush or not to crush… yeah, I can honestly say in the past month I’ve crushed and continue to crush. It’s only human and I am confident enough in my own skin and environment to appreciate an innocent crush.  When you meet someone you connect with right away of course you are going to crush and eventually like them, and from my past experiences as mentioned in this post, be truthful to yourself. Be honest in everything you do which represents the person  you are, when you hide from something you only lie to yourself and the beautiful person standing in front of you.

JayBee do you like this girl?

Most definitely!




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